I Like the Hard Part: Embracing the Challenges Within
Last week, a friend told me about the little person who lives in her head. Instead of sounding batshit, I found this relatable, and I’m sure many of you do too. This little person seems to take great pleasure in intermittently reminding my friend that she’s an unpolished turd. In fact, this voice often chooses to lay on the insults thickest at times when she is feeling confident and content.
These inner critics are often behind the phenomenon of imposter syndrome. They are the voices we hear in the dead of night when we would rather sleep than lament about how we said “You too” when the barista told us to enjoy our coffee. These parts seem fixated on ensuring we never achieve our potential, ever reminding us that we aren’t good enough. These are the inner selves to whom we’d love to serve a nice warm glass of “shut the hell up.”
My friend mentioned that she’s been improving at shutting that voice down. And how’s that going? "Well, it's better, but not great." My experience working as a trauma psychologist has taught me many lessons about trauma and the psyche. One analogy I often use with my clients is the closet metaphor. When we continually push trauma into a closet, it eventually becomes that familiar scenario where, upon opening it, an avalanche of skis, bowling balls, rotten sandwiches, capybaras, and everything else we've ignored comes tumbling out and hits us square in the face. And it hurts, a lot.
Here’s the thing: if someone finds tools that help them feel better, who am I to begrudge them that? But if you are having difficulty with an inner critic, what I've seen work for myself and many others is to not slap a gag on them, but to make friends with them. Yes, befriend those assholes.
Richard Schwartz's Internal Family Systems (IFS) theory posits that our psyche comprises multiple sub-personalities or "parts," each with distinct feelings, beliefs, and desires shaped by life experiences, often in response to trauma or challenges. Schwartz argues that these parts can fragment or polarize, leading to internal conflict and emotional distress. Central to IFS is the notion that beyond these parts exists a deeper, true self—a calm, compassionate, and curious center known as the Self. The aim of IFS therapy is to help individuals access and strengthen their Self, facilitating healing and internal harmony.
Viewing through the lens of IFS, inner critics are protector parts developed to shield us from pain or harm. While initially serving a crucial role, these protectors can become rigid or overbearing, perpetuating internal conflict. The essence of IFS therapy involves assisting these parts in easing their protective stance, thereby enabling healing, integration, and ultimately restoring balance and well-being.
I’d like to preface this by saying that whenever touching on potentially destabilizing emotional content, it’s best to work with a trained and competent therapist. However, anyone can test the waters of IFS and see if it feels helpful. If any point during this work, you feel unsafe or overwhelmed, stop and reach out to a trusted person for support.
The next time you hear that inner voice slinging nasty comments your way, try to pause and turn inward. Begin by grounding yourself in your Self. Take some slow, deep breaths and relax. You’ll recognize you're in your Self when your emotions take a back seat and you can engage playfully with your inner critic. Take slow, deep breaths and approach with curiosity.
Name the part, for instance, "The Critic," and engage it with questions:
How does this part manifest in your body?
What visual representation does it have? Creating a mental avatar can aid in understanding.
What emotions and beliefs does this part hold?
How does it influence your actions and behaviors?
What are its intentions or desires?
What might occur if this part ceased its current role?
The final question typically leads to two outcomes. The part may maintain its stance, indicating it's not yet willing to relinquish control. Alternatively, it might reveal underlying fears. For instance, a critic may be reluctant to stop motivating (berating) you because it has learned that unless you are always prepared, you will be disappointed. Exploring these deeper roots often benefits from support, whether from a trusted peer or a therapist.
The seat of healing and growth resides in self-compassion. It's challenging to grasp the concept of being compassionate towards parts of ourselves that seem hellbent on keeping us in turmoil. Yet, remembering that every inner voice originates from our experiences, and that each part is striving to shield us from pain—even if it inadvertently causes us distress—can aid in fostering curiosity and openness towards our internal dynamics. You might find it surprising how these voices begin to soften when approached with acceptance rather than resistance.
